Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
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“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good