The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Found my door mat