“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
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[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
titanic
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S