How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.