Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers