I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
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*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.