I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.