Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese