Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream