As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
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I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
😲 WTF? 😆
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long