Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
BaD BoY!!
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
set yourself free xox
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Message from the dog groomers
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made