Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
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CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
back to work
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10