If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Lmaoo 😂
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.