Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
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therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot