I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
You Might Also Like
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Found my door mat
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.