Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
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Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
lmfao come on
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
WTF
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.