the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I don’t get marriage
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.