[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
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The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.