[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
You Might Also Like
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.