A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.