ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich