Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.