A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.