Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
You Might Also Like
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’