The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
This kid will have a bright future.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.