what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
no refunds
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
(Jupiter –
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”