My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Going to church you guys need anything
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*