A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Life hack
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.