“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
no their not
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job