So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
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Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today