I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
You Might Also Like
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.