SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
The cashier just checked me out.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*gets down on one knee*