My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.