Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
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Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
thanksgiving in nutshell
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.