you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.