Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
You Might Also Like
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?