Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
You Might Also Like
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.