My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
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Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.