My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
never deleting this app.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water