Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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Me: Same.