I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
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I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.