People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
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Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
When news reporters do sports stories
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”