Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?