THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
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The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
This will never not be funny 😭
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people