Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
i choose….tongue
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.