A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
You Might Also Like
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.