A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.