Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.