Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time