My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me if I was a dog
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
*has no idea what a book even is*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?